Rethinking things.

I suppose I've just coasted through this life, making too many excuses, complaining too much, and letting too many people down. I think little of others and too much about myself. I form relationships with people that aren't solid. I wish I knew how to be a good friend, but it seems that I don't really know how to be. I find that I still distance myself from people, I don't mind putting myself out in public, but I mean making meaningful lasting bonds with people. I feel bonds, but don't know how to keep them strong, keep myself from retreating like a whining coward. Really that's all it is. I'm too afraid to make lasting strong bonds. Its really nothing to be afraid of, just standing back now looking at how I've treated others. I wish I could say something more than sorry to them. Have I sorrow for making others feel like crap, for making them waste tears, for letting them down? I am often very oblivious to how I've made them feel. Knowing now that I've made them feel that way, makes me very upset with myself. Sorry doesn't cut it, this pit in my stomach doesn't cut it. I am "shallow and callously oblivious",but I don't want to be. I'd like to be a good friend, learn to be a great friend. I'd like to be the one people think of when they have a problem and to have friends I too can talk with, share. I know this post makes me out to sound like some poonish lad, but seriously I feel like people have treated me great and I've done nothing to show them that I appreciate, or even recognize them. I do feel sorry for this. I don't feel sorry for myself, I'm rather angry at my actions. My posts, even my personal writings have become meaningless, and I even whine in my hand written expressions. So one last sorry, though they who I have hurt, or not hurt, annoyed, ignored, and have been inconsiderately flakey and oblivious to I'm sorry.
Me








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